Baby Steps Through Motherhood

I have been putting off writing about my grandma and think it is time to do so. She passed away the morning of my 30th birthday. I had such guilt come over me when I received the phone call. She had yet to meet Makenna and we hadn’t been able to make it down to Arkansas to visit due to our house selling, moving and everything that happened so fast this fall. We had plans to go visit two weeks after she had passed. She had waited and waited for us to come visit in August and then September came then October and we still hadn’t made it down there. She said she understood but I still felt this guilt. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to her or anything. I keep reminding myself that she gets to see the kids every day now and is much happier but it is still hard.

We traveled down to Arkansas with our family on that Saturday October 24 to be able to go to her funeral that was on Sunday. I kept praying that God would provide someone to watch the kids because I didn’t want them to have to be stuck at the funeral home all day. God is so good. He answered my prayers above and beyond. One of my dad’s friends wife, Faye, said that she would sit with Makenna and watch her while she napped in her car seat and then would sit out with her if she was too noisy during the service. That was a first answer. She seemed to be fine with it and I was so thankful. Then, after the kids had been at the funeral home for a few hours they began to get a bit antsy. One of my dad’s other friends wife, Sandra, asked if I wanted her to take them to her house to play until it was over. I couldn’t believe how gracious they were. The kids went to their house and had a blast!!! They got to swing and race cars and have a snack, which is a winner for my kids. I was so blessed that God provided for us in that way so that I could just be with our family and get the closure needed at the service without worry about our kids.

Grandma had knee surgery and never was able to recover from it. Her passing was unexpected but the bizzare thing was she had asked our old pastor a few weeks before if he wanted to be the pastor that lead her funeral when she passed when she saw him at Wal-Mart. He did a wonderful job. He spoke of her just how she was. She was so loving and caring but would tell you her mind too. You learned to appreciate her honesty.

She was constantly thinking about me and my brother and our kids. She had such a giving heart even if it was things that we didn’t necessarily want or need, she still wanted us to have them and she thought of us when she saw them. You know, the grandma things, like hand towels, shirts we may not choose our selves, cup coasters, all the little things. I still have lots of things that she gave me but we would always laugh about what Grandma Mary sent up for us this time. I will miss that though.

The most meaningful thing ever is that she had already gathered all the Christmas presents for my family and Chris’s family. It was really hard for me to set them out on Christmas knowing that she had already wrapped them, wrote the cards out and everything and that this will be the last year for us to be able to get them from her. She was so thoughtful and was always thinking of us. She even had Makenna’s 1st birthday present and card ready for us for when we were to visit so that she could have it on her birthday which is in 20 days, at the end of January. One other thing I found was my birthday card. It was written out and had a stamp on it but she hadn’t mailed it yet because she didn’t have our new address yet, but I did get it. She always would send me a check and would tell me in the card that it is meant to be spent only on ME and nothing else. It was the same this year. Her card said the same thing but she hadn’t put the check in yet but that didn’t matter. It was still nice to know that she was thinking of me.

I love her and miss her now!!! I cry at times when things remind me of her and I know she is not around anymore. I feel sad for my Paw Paw who lived with her for so long and now doesn’t have her. He seems to be doing good but it still must be so strange and lonely for him. He told me once that he tells her he misses her and he loves her every night before he goes to sleep. I am thankful that she is in heaven and that she gets to see the kids now all the time, looking down on us.

We will miss you Grandma. Thank you for always thinking about us, loving us and being happy for us.

Here is a picture of the Christmas presents she had prepared for us that we were able to enjoy this Christmas.

will post soon